Who's Defending Your Marriage?

 The Onion, the USA's second-best news organization (first place goes to Comedy Central, of course), led today's news with this headline:

Check out the hair-raising details of this tragic turn of events (if you dare):

WASHINGTON—Reports continue to pour in from around the nation today of helpless Americans being forcibly taken from their marital unions after President Obama dropped the Defense of Marriage Act earlier this week, leaving the institution completely vulnerable to roving bands of homosexuals. "It was just awful—they smashed through our living room window, one of them said 'I've had my eye on you, Roger,' and then they dragged my husband off kicking and screaming," said Cleveland-area homemaker Rita Ellington, one of the latest victims whose defenseless marriage was overrun by the hordes of battle-ready gays that had been clambering at the gates of matrimony since the DOMA went into effect in 1996. "Oh dear God, why did they remove the protection provided by this vital piece of legislation? My children! What will I tell my children?" A video communique was sent to the media late yesterday from what appears to be the as-yet unidentified leader of the gay marauders, who, adorned in terrifying warpaint, announced "Richard Dickson of Ames, Iowa. We're coming for you next. Put on something nice."

Man, oh man, oh man! President Obama's gone and done it now. It's bad enough the goofy fellow wants to give every single American access to health care. It's even worse that his meddling wife is encouraging American children to be fit and lean. Now he's letting gays tear up heterosexual marriages. He's not lifting a finger to help those poor beleaguered straight couples who absolutely cannot maintain their marriages without the full force of the American military and all three branches of the federal government standing steadfastly behind them, armed to the teeth, and fully locked and loaded.

It's a grim time for heterosexuals in America, especially married ones. Things are so grim that any heterosexuals still reading this post should stop immediately and go take care of business. Do it now. You absolutely cannot wait because, for all we know, the next bedroom the gays invade may be yours. If that happens, another bastion of heterosexuality will be destroyed forever and the collapse of civilization as we know it will be imminent.

And it will all be the fault of those darned gays.