Music & Musician Jokes - Part 1

Last night I came across a book I haven't looked at in years. I browsed through it and got some good chuckles, some of which I'll share with you.

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What do you call a soprano who can sight read?
An alto.

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What is perfect pitch?
When you toss an accordion into the toilet without hitting the rim.

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How do you know when a trombone player's kids are on the playground?
They can't swing and they complain about the slide.

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What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

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How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

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What do pirates and trumpet players have in common?
They're both deadly on high Cs.

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How do you keep two flute players in tune?
Shoot one of them.

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How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - the pianist can do it with her left hand.

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Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

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How do you know there's a soprano at your door?
She can't find the key and she doesn't know when to come in.

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How do you get a guitarist to play softer? Put a chart in front of him.
How do you get a pianist to play softer? Take his chart away.

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How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five - one to screw it in and four to complain that it's too high.

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What is the difference between a Newfie chorus and an Uzi submachine gun?
An Uzi only repeats 40 times.